Our tale opens with Xena and Joxer on the edge of a cliff. She tells him in her hand she has a binding contract in every sense of the word so it's important they put it someplace where Ares will never find it. They can’t destroy it. No one can. Only Ares. Joxer puts the scroll inside a scroll. He rolls it up and puts it in a container. Xena then takes it and jumps into the ocean to 'bury it'.
Next we see some divers popping up with it. Then a bunch of people are at a conference where they are announcing they have a new scroll. Two fans rush in and say it's gonna mean more Xena episodes – a seventh season!! They get the boot by security and the conference goes on. The announcer, geeky bowtie and all, starts to tell the tale of the scroll.
Joxer is drunk in a tavern. Xena shows up and says Gabby's alive. Xena then takes drunk Joxer on a search. We see Annie then who says it was Joxer who started the search and it was Xena who was in a drunken stupor. The director of the meeting tells Annie to essentially shut up and sit down, he’s studying the scrolls for awhile and knows what he’s talking about. They call a short break and the two fans sneak back in to come and talk to Annie. Annie tells them that Harry and Mattie got hitched. The fans think it's cool that Xena and Gabrielle got to be a couple.
The meeting resumes and we go back to Joxer and Xena. Ares shows up that tells Xena that Gabby might be alive but she can't do it alone - she needs a gods help. Xena wants to know why. Ares gets down on one knee and asks if she'll marry him. She then proceeds to beat on him. He says he'll help her find Gabby if they marry in front of the fates so it's eternal and unbreakable. She sees Joxer and he asks if she's really serious about marrying Ares. And Xena said she'd do anything to get Gabby back.
Xena is sleeping and hears Gabby. But it's actually Joxer telling Xena to give up looking, using a paper cone. She takes it and stuffs it over his head, calling him an idiot. Next we see Mattie and Harry coming home from vacation from Greece. Harry’s gotta Jeep. My husband, a big jeep fan, noticed that right way. At least Xena’s got taste (LOL). She seems like the ‘off roading’ type don’t ya think? Anyway, they are obnoxiously lovey dovey with each other with endearments like ‘pumpkin’. (LOL)
Mattie has returned to their house, where she's still a past lives counselor. She's going through the mail and comes across a letter from 'Chakram' and she and Harry go straight to the conference.
Xena calls Ares and tells him that the answer is yes, she’d do anything to get Gabby back. She want’s the ceremony to take place at the lava pit because it’s fitting. She says, "I should be as close as possible to the one person I intended to spend the rest of my life with as I give myself over to the one person in the world I would NEVER choose." Ares tells her it’s just pre-wedding jitters and says, ‘Just think Zeus and Hera will be your in-laws’. He vanishes and Xena adds, "Just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse." (LOL)
Joxer then summons Ares by insulting him. Ares wants to know why he shouldn’t just kill him now. Joxer says he has some entertainment for him with Miss Athens, Miss Mesopotamia and Miss Gaul. Ares isn’t impressed and starts to leave. Joxer says wait, there’s more. They bring in a big cake and Meg pops out with whipped cream. Ares is impressed now (LOL). Of course he thinks it’s Xena. Joxer goes over and Ares sees her kiss him and decides he’s had enough. Joxer asks him to wait but he’s gone anyway. Joxer tells Meg that someday he’s gonna take her away from all this and Meg asks ‘What about Gabrielle?’. He says she’s dead. Meg says I’ll drink to that and takes Joxer’s whiskey canteen. Joxer says he’s in mourning and she could be a little bit sensitive. Meg says you can’t do anything about it so forget it. Joxer decides he can and goes to look for Xena.
At the conference Harry and Mattie go to Annie to warn her that Ares might show up. Annie says, 'Why if it isn't Harry and Harry's Ho'(LOL) Nah she's not bitter much. Harry is rubbing Mattie’s leg and saying he knows that Annie is upset about what happened between them but there’s a very good chance Ares will come for the scroll so they have to be ready. Annie tells him to not ruin it for him because he hates when people blab the spoilers (LOL). Mattie tells her to listen to Harry and Harry adds that if his instinct is correct he’ll be there.
Next we see Xena in her wedding dress. She’s looking at herself in a mirror and Joxer knocks. He asks if she’s decent. She says she’s not sure but to come in anyway. Joxer throws away his canteen and says he’s ready to help with the search for Gabby. He also sees how committed Xena is to getting Gabby back by marrying Ares. And even though it’s a marriage made in Tartarus he’s the sentimental guy and gives her something old – a piece of Gabby’s hair from the last time she cut it. Something new – a fresh flower. Something borrowed – a lucky rabbit foot. And something blue – him because he misses Gabby and hates to see Xena go through this. Xena gets misty eyed and hugs the big lug…..Ahhhhhh….See? Joxer could be a good character if they didn’t always make him a horse’s ass. (VBG)
Ares waits for Xena and she comes walking in the temple. Ares tells her she's breathtaking. The fates then asked if they’d take each other for their eternal partners. Xena can't do it. She runs to the lava pit and decides she's gonna jump. Ares watches and Joxer screams. Ares then zaps down and catches her. Xena says he saved Hope and Gabrielle, for being a good bargaining chip. Ares said he's got Gabby's soul. She gave it up for saving Hope’s life. Ares wants to make a ‘new deal’. Ares says that if that happens she has to be his in the next life. Xena adds that he would have to let her and Gabrielle live out this life in peace. Ares agree and Xena puts her thumbprint on the scroll sealing the deal. Ares starts to leave with it tucked behind him but asks what would have happened if he had honestly come to her for her hand in marriage. Xena kisses him passionately making him squawk his good-bye like a prepubescent boy (LOL). As he poofs away we see Xena holding the scroll she lifted during the kiss.
Next we see Xena climbing back out of the water and the announcer saying that Joxer actually penned the new scroll. We flash to the present and the announcer is proud that Ares never found the scroll. They got to it first. A motorcycle crashes in and people scatter. Ares says "First, second – doesn’t matter. It’s mine now." A woman on stage asks the announcer if he scheduled any entertainment. He says they tried to get Bruce Campbell but he was too much money (LOL). Mattie and Annie realize they have to do something. Neither of them know where Harry is. Seems Xena can’t get adjusted too well to certain goatmilk shakes and is have a ‘difficult’ time in the bathroom (Gotta work in that bathroom humor somewhere this year I suppose).
Mattie says, "O’hold on man," and steps in front of him with Annie. I love Gabby…I mean Mattie….Have I mentioned that? (VBG). Ares says, "The sidekick and the comic relief – this should be good." Mattie says she resents being called a sidekick. Ares doesn’t seem to care (LOL). He rears back and belts them both sending them flying out of his path. Ares goes to the stage and takes it from the shaking announcer telling him to run quickly (LOL).
Harry comes in and tells Ares to forget it. Ares says nope he’s Xena’s ‘soul man’ and does a little James Brown spin for them. They don’t seem too impressed and Ares reaction is pretty funny. Harry charged the stage in Xena form, war cry and all, and they start to fight. Ares gets the upper hand and knocks Harry out. Ares touches the scroll and lifts the spirits of Joxer and Xena out of Annie and Harry. He switches them so he’s got Xena in Annie’s body, which he likes much more. They fight but Ares knocks Xena into the crowd. He turns to Gabby and asks:
Hey I was just wondering Gabrielle. What’s it like to have who gave up her life for you just lose hers forever? (A BIGGGG hint perhaps? Hmmm? Something to consider (VBG) )
Gabby grabs a rod from the display and starts to wail on Ares but he gets the upper hand and tosses her into some chairs in the audience. She goes down hard. Harry then rushes Ares and gets knocked into a wall and stuck there. Xena comes back with vengeance. They battle and she gets the scroll. He starts shooting fireballs at her and she uses one to burn up the scroll. He can’t believe he killed the contract (how could he NOT. She’s Xena after all (VBG)) but he says he’ll be back. Xena says oh yeah. Ares says oh yeah and zaps away. Annie sees Joxer/Harry coming out of the wall and rushes to help him. Mattie makes her way over too and tells Annie that, "Xena no matter how hard he has tried, Ares has never been able to break us up." She opens her arms and Xena steps into them as Harry looks on. Yes, Harry, you’ll be seeing a divorce attorney. But on the plus side it might make a great ‘Springer story’ (LOL).
Although you can’t see it, Annie and Mattie are walking out hand in hand with Harry following them:
Annie: Whatta ya say we call it a day?
Harry: Sounds good.
Annie (to Mattie): You know I liked you better blond but I can go with this.
Mattie (bashful grin): Thanks.
Harry: Is there anything I should know about this new body I’m in?
Annie (putting her hand on Mattie’s shoulder): Yeah. Don’t stray too far from the bathroom
Harry (clutching his stomach): Dear god, what the hell did you eat?
(LOL) Okay I like THAT kind of bathroom humor. Call my sick. I can take it. (VBG) Anyway, that was the last ‘comedy’ episode. Not the best but not the worst – that’s for sure. Please reference any attempt at comedy in season five (LOL).
Of course you want the promo for next week, right?<G>
Announcer: 40,000 souls count on her rescue. 20,000 troops stand in her way. The unforgettable series finale. The last battleground. Coming next week.
Pics a plenty in this one: Lots of arrows and fire going on. Xena swinging her sword. Xena on Japanese long boat with an ore in a bikini and a big black hat. Gabby laying face down naked (back showing, no tush…awwww…shucks). Xena in what appears to be an amazon bikini fighting. Xena appears to be watching something while she’s naked in a white background. Xena in a long coat/robe that she rips open to show the black bikini. Xena painted up as a geisha girl. More Xena fighting with sword. Xena and Gabby looking quite wet with fire all around them. A crane shot of a Japanese boat and a sunrise or sunset on the horizon. …………..There you go folks – fight among yourselves to try to figure it out. (LOL)