Disclaimers:Spoilers abound for this episode.
Our tale opens with a gruesome display of spiked heads and dead bodies. Evil Xena would be proud to say the least. Gabby asks what kind of ‘sicko’ could do this. Just then Michael shows up. Xena’s not real happy to see him. He can sense some hostility. Well…duh! He tired to send her to hell the last time. But desperate times call for desperate measures he tells them. Times just like now. Xena wants him to explain.
He tells her the Roman Emperor Caligeus is behind the killing of Eli’s One-God followers. Xena’s first concern is Eve. This Cal guy is a sadistic, murdering sex addict. Michael tells her she better get to Rome quick and put an end to Cal because not only does he think he’s a god, he’s becoming one. No more discussion is needed Xena and Gab are off to Rome in a heartbeat to knock him off and save Eve.
Once there we see Cal riding a chariot, dragging two people who obviously wouldn’t submit to his ‘cult of blood’. He shows off his immortality by having a villager stab him. The villager pledges allegiance to him. He moves to another village who’s not as impressed. He has faith in his one god. Cal doesn’t like this so he orders the man to be chained. Eve walks up and tells Cal to let him go. Cal recognizes her as the reformed Bitch of Rome and orders her to be taken too. But before he can a chariot comes racing into the village square with Xena aboard with a helmet and faceshield on. She’s knocking roman guards around left and right as Cal watches. Everyone scatters and Gabby gets the opportunity to lead Eve away. She tells Eve to go to the caves where the followers of Eli are hiding out for the time being. Eve is reluctant but listens.
While Xena is kicking ass we see Ares in the background watching this. Xena leaps from the chariot and lands in front of Cal. She pulls a knife and goes for a deathblow but Ares jumps up and tackles Xena before she can even draw blood. He tells her she kills him he’ll kill her sister. Dite then ‘poofs’ on the scene. They watch as Dite gives Cal some serious smooches. Ares says Cal and Dite are bound together and if he dies then she dies and he can’t let that happen. (Ahhh….Ares has a soft side for Dite after all<VBG>)
Gabby comes back as the guards round up Ares and Xena bringing them to Cal and Dite. Dite walks up and starts to . . . ahem….feel Ares up. "Okay bad touching," he warns her. "Stop right now." (ROTFL) Cal takes Dite away from Ares and orders him to the dungeon along with Eve. But Eve is now gone. He orders the troops to go find her. Xena’s not sure what to make of all this but she can tell sumthin just ain’t right. Cal asks Xena just what the hell she thinks she was doing. Gabby steps up and says, "Allow me to explain". She tells him that she’s Cinda and she’s the ‘manager’ of Saba (Xena) and if that fool hadn’t interrupted she would have challenged Cal to a chariot race. He says being a god can be soooooooo boring and he does like tall gals so what the heck. He’ll have a party this evening and then they can discuss this race.
Cut to gratuitous hot tub shot(LOL) Xena is cleaning Gabby’s feet (No wonder she gave that desert boys such dirty looks. He was doing her job (LOL). But that’s okay. He ended up as a redshirt anyway, right?). Xena says she’s worried about Eve. Gabby says Eve is safe now. Xena says it won’t last long. She knows Eve won’t stay put for long and she has to figure out what to do. She gets out of the tub and dries off, getting dressed. Gabby says they have to stop Cal but they can’t hurt Dite. Xena says they’ll see if they can get some info. She sends Gabby to speak to Dite. She’s going to the jail to see Ares. Gabby warns Xena not to take too long since she’s the guest of honor and they don’t wanna piss Cal off.
At the soirée Gabby curls up on the comfy sofa where Dite, Cal and a few others are . . .ahem. . enjoying each others company. Gabby tells Dite she’s looking beautiful but she seems a little different. In fact she seems stoned (LOL) or just incredibly drunk(VBG). Dite rises and brushes off Gabby. She doesn’t remember the bard. She tells her to leave her alone but you know Gabs (LOL). She follows. Gabby stops Dite in an empty hallway and asks if she’s okay. Gabby tries to steady the swaying goddess. Dite says she’s never been so happy and she backs Gabby up against the wall. Dite’s hands hook Gabby’s cheeks and Dite starts to plant a tender yet passionate kiss. Gabby pushes Dite away and asks ‘What are you doing?’ as Dite begins to laugh. No kidding!! All she needs is Xena to walk around the corner and no more goddess of love folks.
We cut back to Cal who realizes ‘oops my woman left’ and he goes in search of her. He goes to the hallway to find Dite and Gabby locked in an embrace with Dite stroking Gabby’s face telling her how much she loves Cal. Gabby says she doesn’t buy that. Cal makes his presence known and orders Dite back to the party. He then starts to question where the hell Saba is. Looks like he’ll have to order her death.
Down in the cell Ares thanks the heavens that Xena is there and wants to know how Dite is. Xena was hoping he had some inside info. He says he came to Rome because he heard that Dite was going crazy. Without the God of War the goddess of love becomes unbalanced. Cal is ‘sucking’ the godhood from her. Ares doesn’t know how but he knows he has to be stopped.
Cal is going to call off the party but Gabby says not before she gets the chance to show him her world-renowned performance. He lets her go and she does a few different fight moves and a hip swings. Dite sits up and it seems like for the briefest of moments she recognizes something in Gabby. But Cal kisses her and ‘knocks her out’. As Gabby finishes, Cal is impressed and the room applauds. Xena comes behind Gabby and asks if she ‘got to Dite’ (Ohhhhhh yeah Xena and in more ways than one(LOL) ). Gabby says yeah but she doesn’t recognize them.
Cal sees Xena and stands up. Gabby turns around and takes Xena’s smock off of her to reveal her killer Vicky’s Secret get up she’s got on. Xena’s got a great body but not the killer abs like Gabby. Sorry folks but ROC has LL beat in that category hands down. I love Gabby. Have I mentioned that? (VBG). He says she has to prove herself worth to race him by performing a task. Xena says name it. They bring out a shirtless Ares and he tells Xena to kill him, handing her a sword.
Xena tells Cal that in a former life her manager and her had a floor show that she’d like to show Cal if he’s interested. It’s all in the emperor’s taste of exotic entertainment. The room hoots and hollers and Gabby curls up next to Ares wrapping his arm around her as she begins to kiss and nibble on his hands (LOL). Ares has a sh*t eating grin on his face to die for (You gotta see this folks. It’s priceless). Cal says go to it. They start to rub Ares body and turns to Cal and asks, "You want a piece of this?" Ares grin turns from sh*t eating to Oh Sh*t. Cal says he’s ‘very tempted’ but (pointing to Dite) he can’t right now. Xena says she can at least give him a taste of what he’ll be missing.
As Gabby continues to rub down the God of War, Xena goes over to Cal kissing him, biting his lip. Xena goes back to Ares, playing up to him.
Ares (to Xena): "You know I’ve fantasized about this in 100 different situations but I gotta tell ya….I never got to this senario"
Xena: Well enjoy it while you can cause in about 30 seconds all hell is gonna break loose."
And sure enough Cal sees some blood on his hands from his lip. He’s in shock. He’s bleeding. That’s not right. He screams for everyone to leave. Dite protests and gets a slap to the head for her trouble. Cal gets Xena alone and has her chained. He has a guard stab him to see that he still has his immortality. He doesn’t bleed so that’s okay. Still he wants to know how Xena managed to make him bleed.
Dite is tending to the cut on her forehead with Gabby helping her. She’s loosing it realizing that she’s gonna die. She’s becoming a pathetic mortal. Gabby says she’s gonna try to help her. She’s her friend. Dite says she doesn’t want to hear that and tries to ‘zap’ away but fails.
Cal is asking Xena who she is. She tells him that she’s a Celtic Goddess of Sex and she needs a god like him in her life. They could form a great alliance with each other but he’s gotta drop the bimbo. Cal says not yet. He’s got to give her one final kiss to get the last of her godhood from her so he can become a full god. Cal still isn’t sure about it all but Xena jumps up, breaking the chains with a spear end. When she lands she tells him it would be best if she do as he say. She can hurt gods and if he doesn’t want to ‘play’ she can bring him down. Cal starts to see the light.(BG)
Later that night he’s screaming at the voices in his head of the family he murdered to take control of Rome. He’s really a wacko folks(VBG) but most monarchs are…just ask the Queen of Subtext/Maintext. (VBG) The little voice I hear though say, "do the subtext report, do the subtext report" so I guess I’m one up on this dude. I haven’t totally lost my mind. Anyway after his rant we see Michael standing behind him grinning.
Next we see Eve praying and Michael coming to her, telling her that her time is at hand and she leaves the cave. The guards bring Eve to Cal and Cal goes to kill her but Xena stops him but not before cold cocking Eve to make her shut the hell up (LOL – Thanks Xena. I needed that) Wouldn’t it make more sense to use Eve as a ‘warning’ to the followers of Eli in a public display. Cal agrees. They will deal with her after the chariot race in the morning.
Gabby is tending to Dite when Michael appears ready to strike Dite. Gabby shields Dite and Xena comes in kicking a little archangel @ss. Gabby gets Dite out of the way.
Xena (to Michael) : You tried to get Cal to go Eve to force my hand and now you go after my girlfriends? That’s not gonna happen."
They fight and Xena knocks him into a tub of water. She puts the pinch on him to tell him just what the heck he’s up to. Michael tells her he has to kill Dite so Cal doesn’t get the last of her power. Gabby screams for Xena to stop hurting Michael. She doesn’t listen. He’s pissed her off for the last time. But suddenly a light comes down and Michael is rescued…and Xena is stripped of her power to kill gods.
Cal comes in and gives Dite a final kiss taking her power. Xena regroups from losing her god-killing power but it’s too late. She kicks Cal in the face but it’s too late. He thinks she’s just jealous but he’ll forgive her outburst because he’s now a god. He zaps himself away and the gals run over to Dite. Gabby leans over Dite with two hands on either side of her.
Dite (as she wakes up to Gabby): Gabrielle I know we're like…close…but is this okay with you?
Gabby: Is it really you?
Dite: Has anyone told you you can be like a total ditz?
She tries to zap them outta there. But it doesn’t work. Xena goes to see Ares and Eve. She tells them that Dite’s got her mind but she’s lost her immortality. She also tells them she can no longer kill gods. She apologizes to Eve for the punch but Eve doesn’t want to hear it. The punch doesn’t bother her as much as the fact her mother never lets her make her own choice (Gee Xena you didn’t miss those turbulent teen years after all(VBG)). Eve says she knows what’s best for her and it’s her life to lead. Xena says that’s good because she’s gotta plan for the next morning to stop Cal and she’s part of it.
The next morning Eve being dragged behind Xena’s horse (Like Gabby like Daughter) and we see them tie eve to a stake. Cal announces that the winner the chariot race will get to off Eve, formerly the Whore of Rome.
To make a long chariot race short. Xena wins. She gets the honor of offing her kid.
Cal: Guess you’re the one who gets to spill the blood?
X: Yes I’ve been waiting for this opportunity for a long time. Only it won’t be her blood that’s spilled today. (taking off her mask and throwing it behind her to Gabby)
Gabby: That’s Xena. That’s Xena the warrior princess.
Cal: Xena. I know that name. Xena, the slayer…of gods.
X: Also Xena mother of the girl who you called the whore of Rome (drawing her sword)
Once the crowd turns on Cal and starts chanting Xena’s name. Xena tells him that if he wants to go down in history he’ll have to take his own life. She hands him his sword and pretty much tells him. Either I can get the glory of offing you or you can take your own life. It’s his choice. He decides to off himself.
Now it’s at the end and sensitive chat time inside the vacant palace(VBG). Eve, Ares and Dite are in the background.
Gab: How you feeling?
X: Dirty. How should I feel?
G: Xena there was nothing you could do. He was evil.
X: No he was damaged. I was evil.
Dite: It’s not fair (sitting trying to zap)
Ares: Welcome to my nightmare sis.
Dite: Gabrielle? When you were trying to get through to me earlier, you said a couple of times that you were my friend. Did you really mean that?
G: Absolutely (with sweet little Gabby smile in tack)
Dite: That’s very much appreciated.
X: All right everyone let's get out of here
(Xena puts her arms around Eve and Gabby walking out)
Eve: Are you sorry mother to lose your greatest gift? The ability to kill gods?
X: Nah it will just make life spicier. Besides I still got my two greatest gifts. With no intention of losing either of them.
(Ares and Dite walk behind. He acts like he’s gonna hit her and she flinches but then he puts his arm around her and they walk out arm and arm too. Ahhhhhhhhhhh)
Next weeks looks pretty funny. It’s a take off of the old CBS series "You are there" where a modern day reporter interviews historical figures. Michael Hurst plays the reporter in this one asking Xena some in-depth questions. In one part Xena looks like she’s gonna knock him up but Gabby steps up and pulls Xena back by the waist saying, "This interview is official over" (LOL) Hmmmmmmm I wondered what he asked that was so anger provoking ummmm?(VBG)
Queen of Subtext