You Are There

Our tale opens with Xe and Gab in different shots traveling back to Norse country. We see a tavern where Gab and Xe walk up to Beowolf. His ho-hum response to seeing Gabby makes Xena wonder – before he was willing to risk life and limb to be at Gabby’s side. He says he’s gotten over his ‘school boy crush’ and likes the flesh on his bones uncharged. Just then some Valkyries come in and tell Xena to get the hell outta Dodge. Xena says she’s there to see Odin. They say that’s not gonna happen. Tip number one – don’t tell Xena no when she’s got her mind made up (VBG).

Outside you see a report (Michael Hurst of Iolaus fame(BG)) doing a sound check and proceeding toward the tavern about how he’s there to interview the warrior princess. The three Valkyries are shown being thrown from the windows and running away. Xena and Gabby come out to follow them but the reporter stops Xena to ask her a few questions. Xena’s not much into disclosure at all (VBG)…..End of teaser.

Next we see the reporter saying that some folks see Xena as a savior, other see her as a butcher but he’ll find out from the woman herself tonight. Xe, Gab and the reporter are in a studio. A make up artist is fixing up Xena until she gets annoyed and bats them away. A stagehand is trying to put Gabby’s mic in her BRSB. "Hey watch where you’re putting your hands!" Gabby tells him. After he walks away Xena rises a little bit and leans over Gabby warning the guy, "Yeah you watch where you put your hands buddy!" She looks down Gabby’s top until the reporter distracts her by welcoming them to the show. (LOL)

The reporter introduces them and turns to Xena first. He starts to hit her with a lot of questions about the things she's done and why she’s trying to get to Odin. He mentions how Xena was an evil Valkyries and what she did to Grimhilda (They show a ‘file photo’ of Grim as the monster(ROTFL)). Gabby points out that she changed Grim back. The reporter insists that Xena’s actions caused the death of many Norsemen. Xena asks hotly, "Is there a question in there someplace?"(LOL). The reporter then asks if Xena has come back to take Odin’s place as a god. Gabby says, "What?!" Xena says, "This is crazy." The reporter goes on to ask, "Do you deny you stole the rheingold?". Xena says, "No." Her demeanor is one of those little weasels you’ll see on 60 minutes, sweating under the lights for poisoning school kids or destroying area neighborhoods (LOL). He then says she took it to have the power of a god. She says she gave it back, ask the rheinmaidens. He then goes on to say that she killed the Olympian Gods. Xena says not ALL of them and she looks to Gabby with that ‘save me bard’ face you rarely see.(LOL) Gabby of course jumps in and says the only reason Xena did anything is because they were after Eve, her daughter.

The reporter points out that it was her daughter who was following in her mothers bloody footsteps. Xena says, ‘Wait a dog gone minute.’. The reporter asks if Xena still has the power to kill Gods. Xena says I’ve got the power to kill much lesser creatures and starts to menace toward the reporter. He asks if she’s uncomfortable with the truth. Xena tells him he wouldn’t know the truth if it grew fangs and bit him on the-. Gabby shoots up and grabs Xena by the waist saying, "This interview is over." They both rip off their mics and storm off the set. The reporter is pleased…he had Xena on the ropes(LOL)

Next the reporter is interviewing Charon about all the folks Xena has sent to him. She keeps him busy he admits which is good because it’s better to be workin’ then not workin’(LOL) and Xena’s brought him some heavy hitters – Callisto, Marc Antony, and even Julius Caesar to a point. Just then a guy in line raises a ruckus. It’s Caligula!!! He’s waiting for the boat so the reporter talks to him. This is a funny exchange. This is what he says about Xena: "She’s a snake. A treacherous deceiver like the rest of her sex. Never turn your back on her. She and that bard of hers ….like we don’t know what’s goin on there? . .. I was a god – a living god and that bitch took me out." (LOL) Charon comes up and says that he would like to say one thing about Xena. At least she pays her fare unlike some heroes – namely Hercules(LOL).

Next we see the reporter back in the studio with someone from Valhalla masking their identity with a magical cloak. The figure says Xena wants the golden apples so she can eat them and become a god. The reporter says that before they get into that this ‘informant’ claims to have masked their identity with an invisible cloak but the only one who knows how to do that is Odin. "Damn it" Odin says and shows himself. He says that Xena’s plan is to restore Ares and rule with him. The reporter questions the relationship of Xena and Ares and Odin points out that ‘Xena’s has always had a thing for Ares’.

So who does the reporter go to see next? You guessed it – Ares. The reporter asks if he’s in cahoots with Xena to get the golden apples and make her his queen. They are out front of his farmhouse. He says Xena’s had plenty of opportunities to be his queen but frankly the job doesn’t interest her. Next we hear someone say, "Yo Ares!" and the reporter rushes inside. Ares starts yelling that he’s on private property. (LOL) It’s Xena inside and the reporter asks if she and Ares are plotting together and if they are in love. Ares gets rough and says that’s enough and throws him out.

The reporter is in Heaven next, talking to Michael. Michael has the same opinion of Xena as Cal – she’s conniving, manipulative. She’s responsible for sending Lucifer to Hell because she didn’t take the job herself. The reporter ends up falling off his rock and lands in Hell. There he sees Lucifer who’s not very happy to hear the name Xena down in his domain but once he gets his hands on her…the ‘devil’ points out that the reporter might be down there someday too but lets him go. Promptly the reporter passes out in fear (LOL).

Next the reporter finds Eve in a prayer circle. He starts to ask intimate questions about her mom and Eve loses it (I actually liked Eve in this one). She’s calling him every four-letter word (bleeped out of course (VBG)) and finally busts him in the nose. So much for the messenger of the god of love (LOL).

Next we see Gabby in the studio with the reporter to try to ‘set things straight’ and tell the real story of Xena. The reporter starts to turn the tables on her and shows Gabby pics of Ares and Xena together. Gabby doesn’t look too pleased but says that Xena and Ares have a past together. The reporter asks Gabby if she and Xena were lovers until Ares came back into the picture and Gabby doesn’t quite know how to answer. He asks if Gabby is in love with Xena and Gabby pauses a moment and says, "No she’s not." She’s got a puzzled look on her face as if she can’t believe she said that. Before they can go any further you hear someone yell, "This is a closed set". Closed or not Xena’s comin’ in to get her bard, tossing stagehands left and right. She reaches out to Gabrielle and tells her to come on. Gabby starts to move but the reporter holds her back and he asks Xena if she’s in love with Gabrielle. "You got some pair on ya mister" Xena tells him as she menaces closer (LOL). She knocks him down and puts the pinch on him. Xena asks him if he loves anything – his wife, his dog, himself. Xena points out that the world has lost the greatest gift the gods ever gave them – the power to love. And she’s gonna get it back. She tells him that’s the story and lets the pinch off.

Xena and Gabby are walking through the ‘backlot’(LOL) and Gabby asks what’s the plan. Xena says she’s going after Odin. Gabby wants to know if there’s more and they have this exchange:

X: Why should I spell out the plan? You think after all these years you could join the dots yourself.

G: Why do I have to drag it out of you? You know I wish I knew the pinch because I would force you to share your little plan with me.

X: You can take the pinch off but you're not allowed to put the pinch on.

G: Oh that’s right! I’m the sidekick. You go ahead Xena, I’ll walk 10 paces behind you and your horse.

X: You could walk beside my horse!

G: That’s really BIG of you XENA!

X: (holding her hands up) Gabrielle stop! What’s going on? This isn’t us.

G: We’re saying things that people who love each other would never say.

X: We gotta get love back into the world and fast.

The reporter is now at a tavern/whorehouse to find out about a world without love. The madam says business is booming. The reporter says so love isn’t gone? The madam laughs and says love has NOTHING to do with her business. She’s calling numbers for people. When she gets to 27 it’s Ares. The reporter recognizes him and Ares shrugs it off saying the guy’s crazy. As the reporter chases him down. Ares says to give him a break – he’s just trying to get laid(ROTFL).

Next the reporter is at a cave and a cloaked figure tells him that he needs to find love if he wants the real story. The reporter takes the advice and finds Dite. She’s mortal and she explains that the love she created is now running out – poof! There’s a lot of funny stuff throughout this ep like Dite being ‘wrinkled’ and hamming it up for the camara (LOL). Next the reporter has brought Dite to the base of Valhalla where Beo and Gabby are hiding behind a big rock. Gabby is annoyed to see the reporter but when she notices Dite she softens and they hug each other like old friends (Ahhhhhhhh…it’s really rather sweet). The reporter says he has to talk to Xena. Gabby says that he just missed her. She’s getting the apples from Odin and you can hear the two fighting in the castle. Dite tells Gabby that she’s glad to see that Gabby is still with Xena because she was worried with her away from Olympus that they might not still be as close. Gabby says no were partners.

It gets quiet and soon Xena is leading Odin down the road, holding the apples. Ares shows up and Xena gives him one of the apples. He eats it and has a grand old time blowing some stuff up. He tells Xena to eat it. Xena considers it but Gabby pleads for her not to do it. Xena says she doesn’t want Ares alone on Olympus. She tosses it to Dite and Dite gets her godhood back too. Little hearts start to float around – Beo gets that glimmer back when he looks at Gabby. And Gabby and Xena well….they get that look too (VBG). Ares tells Xena to think of the possibilities and Xena does. She gives the apples back to Odin and tells him to guard them well. Ares says, "You know I’ll never stop trying." Xena says, "I’d expect nothing less." Dite pulls him away and says let’s go home and arm in arm they disappear.

Odin wants to know how Xena got through to him. She says she cheated. We see Grim uncloak herself saying she had to help Xena restore love to the world when she asked. Next we see Grim in the studio. She’s telling the reporter that she set him up in the cave. Xena ‘played’ him into getting Dite there to Valhalla while she took care of Ares. We flash to Xena footage where Xena says she had to do it. The world needs love and hate, anger and forgiveness, etc. etc. Grim says she’s gotta go because Odin is still a bit miffed about her ‘doublecross’ but he’ll get over it.

They go back and interview Eve, Ares, etc. but you’ll have to see that yourself. Ares is especially funny I think as he whines about Xena’s need for redemption and how she’s a goody goody now. (VBG).

As the reporter closes we see him in a tavern with Xena and Gabby who are sitting shoulder to shoulder. Here’s the exchange because I’m sure you all want to know:

Reporter: Gabrielle. Xena. I have only one more question. The question that Gabrielle has been avoiding all evening – that has never ever been answered.. . . Are you two lovers?

X: Your asking….

R: That’s right. Are you two lovers?

X: (stands up) That’s none of your beeswax!

G: (grabs her by the arm) Okay Xena (chuckling)…Look you just risked everything to bring love back into the world.

X: So what?

G: I think you should answer the question.

X: You do, do ya?

G: Yeah (sweet little Gabby smile. I love Gabby. Have I mentioned that?(VBG))

R: Hold it! Hold it! (he primps himself for the camera as Xena and Gabby nudge each other back and forth playfully). And now ladies and gentleman, a world exclusive for the first time anywhere Xena and Gabrielle reveal the true nature of their relationship. …Gabrielle. Xena. Are you two lovers?

X: You want the truth?

R: That’s right Xena, we want the truth. The whole world wants the truth.

X: (as the screen gets static filled) It’s like this . . .(more static) technically….

The screen goes blank. The reporter gets upset that the batteries are gone and the ‘please stand by sign’ comes up…followed of course by our close that reads executive producers Sam Rami and Rob Tapert (ROTFL)…Don’t worry Gab and Xe….We already know the answer. (VBG)

CN Winters